Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Minor disturbances

I live in a pretty quite neighborhood overall, which I like.
A couple of minor disturbances are 1: a dog which occasionally stands outside barking for hours. 2: the icecream van, coming every day, playing "Greensleeves" with some mechanical method which has forever ruined that nice song for me.
I have purchased poison for the dog and a bazooka for the van. But it occurs to me that sometimes even the most justified of actions can have unforeseen legal complications. But surely getting rid of these pests can't be amongst them?


CalgaryMark said...

1. Stop the ice cream van. Buy two - one for you and one for the dog.
2. Give the dog the chocolate ice cream (chocolate is bad for dogs, I'm told).
3. Next time the ice cream van comes round, the dog will chase the van for more ice cream.
4. Van runs over dog or dog bites ice cream van's tire which bursts and hurts (or worse) the dog.
5. Dog owner sues ice cream company, gets large settlement and ice cream van never comes back.
6. Dog owner, after suitable grieving time, gets new, bigger dog (probably a Great Dane).
7. Repeat from 1. ....
8 Capture series of events on camera on iPhone4, post to YouTube.

Eolake Stobblehouse said...

Best plan yet.

Alex said...

So in the UK the most common Ice Cream Van chime is greensleeves, however most in the areas I've lived in Chester and Manchester only play the first 4 - 6 notes.

In California the most common tune is "do your ears hang low". They turn it on and leave it on, crawling around the neighborhood. At least you only get it twice a day.

Persed said...

Buy a water gun (squirt gun). Fill it with Visine and spray it into the van when they're getting your ice cream.

They'll be pooping for a week.


RossdaleRon said...

Hello Eolake,

In Rossendale, Uk Councillors have adopted a Government-approved Code of Practice for ice-creams 'chimes'as follows:-

"ICE cream vans in Rossendale will only be allowed to sound their chimes for a maximum of four seconds after a council decision.

Rossendale Council has signed up to the ice cream van code of practice which imposes strict rules on mobile ice cream traders in the borough.

The new restrictions also state no chime should sound more than once every three minutes or when the vehicle is within 50 metres of hospitals, places of worship or schools in school hours.

Streets in Rossendale which are classed as “quiet areas” will also be protected from the sound of the ice cream vans. "

On that final point, perhaps you could persuade Bolton's council to make yours one of these 'quiet (note spelling) areas' - good luck with that one !

Oh, and while you are dealing with the council - report that dog to the Dog Warden............

Eolake Stobblehouse said...

Thank you.

Four seconds every three minutes, that's reasonable.

Philocalist said...

Eolake: your local council WILL have someone to either deal with the dog problem directly (or pass you on to a more specialised department) We have a 'general purpose' number available 24/7 that is an absolute Godsend for virtually ANY problem you might encounter, from anti-social neighbours to noisy or lost dogs .. traffic lights out of synch, or how to dispose of a dead dog (REALLY!) :-)
One number, they give you a reference number, then sort it!
On the issue of the ice-crean van, I can empathise with your feelings over Greensleeves on all levels: again, the council will be the first point of contact, but try to have details of the van to hand ... trading name, address (which is often on the van somewhere) reg. number of the vehicle, and timing / schedule. As someone has already pointed out, there are probably areas into which they are forbidden etc.
My road is one of them, as it's close to a small school ... but I'm an ice-cream monster, so we have a truce:-)

Eolake Stobblehouse said...

Thanks for the info.

I had a period a few years ago where I gobbled a lot of Ben and Jerry's, but it's been a while. And anyway, the first and last time I tried one of those vans, the quality was, urg.

Pascal [P-04referent] said...

No-no-no, you have it all wrong!
The dog is still just a dumb animal, so it deserves a swift death. Use the bazooka on it.
Keep the poison for that obviously sadistic iScream guy. He deserves to suffer in the endless spasms of a long agony. "May I buy you a strychnine cone, kind sir, to thank you for dedicatedly coming to our neighborhood every damn... FINE day?"
And then the uneducated doofus will probably answer something like: "Gawrsh, sure, why not? I think I never tasted strict mime before, hyuck!

"7. Repeat from 1. ...."
LOL! Yes, rinse and repeat!!! :-D

"Buy a water gun (squirt gun). Fill it with Visine"
One of my professors told me about a popular prank when HE was an Intern: snatch a vial of Lasix (diuretic), and pour it in the Resident's coffee which you have offfered to buy a round of. Then enjoy your free time on his hour-long "bathroom break". }:-)
"Did you honestly think I wouldn't notice if my Vicodin has been replaced by laxatives?" -- [Dr Gregory House, M.D.]

So, Eo, in a hazelnutshell, when you hear the guy of ice-cream, YOU scream (silently)?
Having lived myself for *25 years* in a rural neighborhood filled with Lebanese goatherders and assorted types, you have my deepest sympathies.

"the quality was, urg."
"My story is bigger than yours!", the macho said. So move aside and gather round, ladies and gentlemen, and hear this Sinbad, erm, this sensational tale!

During our 3rd year, the first lesson in parasitology-mycology introduced us to Entamoeba histolytica, which gives nasty infectious diarrheas. To quote the professor: "A lab survey was made among the national salesmen of baladi ice-cream (national/popular recipe, in bulk presentation). The results showed spores of Entamoeba histolytica in precisely 100% of the samples!"
I've never eaten baladi ice-cream since! Fortunately, I *almost* never ate any before that.
You can say I had a GUT feeling... ;-)