I think conflicts are counterproductive, and I avoid them. So I don't like to haggle or negotiate. But sometimes I'm amazed at what can be accomplished through a simple query.
For instance, earlier this year it got through my thick skull that web hosting had become cheaper. With my commercial site, which has tons of traffic, it's a significant expenditure. So I just enquired with my web host, and without any discussion at all, I got my bills cut by two thirds!
Similarly, this week I noticed that interest rates have risen. My company has a cash reserve just sitting there, and I enquired as to the rate of interest I'm getting. As with the example mentioned above, I had used a few minutes to look up competing rates, and I simply mentioned them. And again, without even any prompting, I got a much better deal, this one being 0.75% increase in interest.
In general I find that just a bit of friendly and simple communication is a very productive thing, perhaps the most productive thing you'll find.
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Update: Two examples of different attitudes to conflict: novelists/comic writers Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman.
Alan Moore seems to have gotten into firefights with most anybody he has worked with, and for instance he famously refuses to talk to former co-author Stephen Bissette. I've talked to Stephen, and he does not even know why! Alan also refuses to work with DC Comics, despite the monumental success they had together once with the groundbreaking work Watchmen.
Neil Gaiman, on the other hand, gets along with almost anybody. And when his very literary "comic book" Sandman got to be a huge hit for DC Comics, instead of going to the trade journals and bitching about how work-made-for-hire contracts were f***ing him over, he wrote a polite letter to DC and asked for a bigger slice of the cake, since he baked most of it. And lo and behold, he got it.
5 comments:
Well, I do not agree that conflicts are counter-productive; I think what matters is the way we handle any conflict. And handling conflicts is an "art", as it takes courage to enter these - usually emotionally very charged - intense challenges and situations. To be honest, I'm quite scared of intense conflicts, too, fearing the potential emotional wounds conflict can cause. Yet I think as such, the conlicts are there for us to learn something more about ourselves and the others, too.
There are few courageous guys, like Arnold Mindell or Danaan Parry who do not fear to face a very very intense conflicts, where it seems your life is in stake... And Mindell is quite well-known for facilitating conflicts in Northern Ireland, California (riots after the cops killed Rodney King), etc.
And yet even then there are men who will not be reasoned with, who will not cease their insanity when greeted with friendly inquiry. But, even this need not get out of control. It is quite possible to neutralize it by playing the same game as this person but by a different set of rules. When someone greets you with anger, you need not respond in kind. When they try to strike you, move out of the way. When they spout abrasive gibberish, show no response. Maintain a calm focus and they will not be struggling against you. No, your presence will change from that of a participant in said conflict to a concrete wall. You will do this person no harm. Instead you will let them wear themselves out before trying to engage them, at which point a reasonable conclusion can be reached.
Of course there are some so committed to their own destruction they will not cease no matter how tired they get. There is nothing one can do to stop them; one way or another they will destroy themselves. However, in refusing to condemn them for this, you will serve to free them. There are many aspects to a man one cannot see and one who dies in the presence of someone who holds no malice towards him will be in a much better state than one who is despised. Death, regardless of its form, is not an end. It is the process of breaking something so it can be shaped into something new. Die at the hands of hatred and a newer, more potent version of that hatred will be born. Die at the hands of love and perfection will be found within the new creation.
There is no such thing as an end without rebirth.
I worked out a long, long time ago that if you are nice to people then they are far more likely to help you in future.
Yes, there are some very driven people who have scaled corporate ladders/greasy poles and made what they consider a "success of their lives". I'm sure they earn shed loads more than me, but they've also trodden on a lot of people to get there. People who previously may have quite liked said individual but now can't stand the sight of them. I'd rather keep my friends and be well thought of by my colleagues.
My mobile 'phone contract is due for renewal in November, so in October I shall ring my provider and politely enquire when the exact date my contract expires is. If my past experience is anything to go on I will very quickly be put through the the section that deals with customer retention. I also expect to be offered a new handset and a discount on my monthly package.
DreamingWolf said...
"it takes courage to enter these - usually emotionally very charged - intense challenges and situations."
Alas, my good man, all it often takes is some non-thinking. Entering conflict generally feels easier/simpler than reflecting upon oneself. Or admitting you're not ALWAYS right.
Much of the world doesn't have your maturity to see conflicts for the sorry waste of effort most of them are.
Of course, I'm talking about another type of conflict than your examples. I know people who can't breathe if they're not arguing. And they're not brave, just highly insecure.
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