[Thanks to P04-Ref]
Touching Stories From Billy Connolly1. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
2. My wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!"
I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'It'll be too painful'."
3. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why.
She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."
Ivor said:
Alas, your praises are misdirected. As far as I am aware, the stolen bike joke is the work of Emo Philips, one of the best joke writers in the world (I want to pass away peacefully in my sleep like my grandad. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car).
Joke attribution is such a huge injustice.
Yeah, it's a difficult thing.
11 comments:
The man is a comedic genius! Have enjoyed his stuff for years, though I admit he can be an acquired taste ... and it helps if you can understand a Scottish accent in full flow :-)
Last saw him just a few weeks ago in Glasgow ... my sides are still aching!
Just watched "Water" for the first time, and sorry, it was an awful film, even the Big Yin couldn't save it.
Sadly we don't see much of him here in the states. Maybe I should get some of his CDs to listen to, just not for in the car.
Alex...did you see 'Mrs. Brown'? I thought he did a pretty good job in that. :-)
He's a solid actor. He was good in that movie about the English Queen with Helen Mirren.
Wait a minute, I think I am actually thinking about Mrs. Brown, not the other one.
Missed Mrs Brown. That was about Victoria was it not? Will add to the list.
I saw him in Indecent Proposal, but he was just an MC and had hardly any part. His role was as weird as Woody driving a Citroen 2CV in that film.
I did catch a few minutes of Lemony Snicket, and liked him in that.
I see he was in Minder in 1989. I didn't know they were still making Minder then.
Alex said...
"That was about Victoria was it not?"
Yes it is. Linked it, above. ;-)
Alas, your praises are misdirected. As far as I am aware, the stolen bike joke is the work of Emo Philips, one of the best joke writers in the world (I want to pass away peacefully in my sleep like my grandad. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car).
Joke attribution is such a huge injustice. Imagine if the Discworld series was attributed to some other famous science fiction writer.
Yeah, it's a difficult thing.
Well, you know, Ivor, if were a good joke, I might give a shit. Emo is in fact one of the worst writers in the world, and has one of the lamest standup acts in the world. Kind of like a weird fusion of Pee-Wee Herman and Michael Jackson. But even more creepy and not at all funny. Sorry, dude, but take your head out of your ass once in a while and take a look around.
"and it helps if you can understand a Scottish accent in full flow"
Aye, saw mahtch is trooe, lassie.
"Maybe I should get some of his CDs to listen to, just not for in the car."
Why not? Would distract the passengers from kicking and screaming...
"Imagine if the Discworld series was attributed to some other famous science fiction writer."
Hunh? You mean... it's NOT by the Mario Brothers, managers of the Pizza World fast food franchise? Mamma mia, I was-a so misled-a!
Anonymous assessed...
"if were a good joke, I might give a shit."
There you go. Funny joke right there! :-)
"Kind of like a weird fusion of Pee-Wee Herman and Michael Jackson."
Ooooo...kaaaayyyyy.... NOW I'm really going to need years of therapy to forget THAT image.
Pee-Wee and MJ together in bed having a baby monster... (yeesh!) Not even the Addams could stand such a horrible sight!
"take your head out of your ass once in a while and take a look around."
Not necessarily in that order, mind you. Rectal cancer prevention is worth some effort in the early screening department.
P.S.: FART!
(LOL! Comedy is all about proper timing!)
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