[Thanks to P04-Ref]Touching Stories From Billy Connolly
1. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
2. My wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!"
I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'It'll be too painful'."
3. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why.
She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."
Alas, your praises are misdirected. As far as I am aware, the stolen bike joke is the work of Emo Philips, one of the best joke writers in the world (I want to pass away peacefully in my sleep like my grandad. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car).
Joke attribution is such a huge injustice.
Yeah, it's a difficult thing.