When Johnny got his 4th grade test paper back, he saw a big red F staring back at him. He had failed the test.
Billy looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you fail that test?"
"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.
"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" Billy inquired.
"No," Johnny replied, "I wasn't, but that smart kid who sits next to me was."
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Be modest and proud!
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
A couple was driving down a lonely country road one evening when a spaceship landed on the road ahead of them. The couple stopped the car as two aliens got out.
"Don't worry, we're friendly," one of them said.
The couple got out of the car and saw that the aliens were a couple too. Upon inquiring, they learned the alien couple was from Mars.
They four of them sat in a nearby park exchanging stories and information about their respective planets. Eventually, the subject of sex came up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked one of the Earthlings.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded a Martian.
Discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian went off and checked into a hotel. In the room, the Martian undressed. He had a teeny-weeny weenie - very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with that?" exclaimed the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!"
"No problem," the Martian said. He proceeded to squeeze his nose. With each squeeze, his member grew until it was quite long.
"Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As the Earthling couple drove home, the husband asked, "Was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," his wife said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"It wasn't all that great," the husband replied. "It was the weirdest thing. That Martian woman kept squeezing my nose and pulling my ears all night!"
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
I had grabbed a woman's card when I called a cab to take me from the airport to the hotel. It was an ad for a girl named Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long, wavy hair, long graceful legs that went all the way up to her firm, shapely butt. So I'm in my room and figure, "What the hell, I'll giver her a call."
"Hello?" the woman says. Gawd, she sounded sexy.
"Hi," I began. "I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now! I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, wear a strap-on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream - anything you want, baby. Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she said, "but for an outside line you need to press 9."