Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
'The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me..
''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. 'Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.'
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, 'You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!'
The other added 'Yeah, but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!'
Update: Tommy shared:
How I learned to mind my own business...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
They all started shouting '14....14....14...'
Pascal added this one:
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!