Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A veteran's stories

A certain middle-eastern Frenchman posted this in a comment.
He's been sent a membership to a certain Art site for his recent labor-intensive contributions.

"GPS? Phooey! In my days, we didn't even have a round planet, it was still flat as a pizza. Even the full moon was smaller before the days of inflation. We had to walk 300 miles in the Sahara blizzard barefoot to go to school... on our hands. And schoolmasters were tougher than Arizona sheriff Joe Dick, I mean Joe Arpaio ruling this whatchamacallit Abu-Grain fancy middle-eastern resort.
For breakfast, we had to wrestle she-wolves to steal their milk and nab their cubs, or we wouldn't be getting any calcium or protein. If we wanted candy, we had to go and milk the bees ourselves for honey. The million, billion and trillion didn't have as many zeroes, because many were fighting for the Japs and it took them years after that to get amnisty and a Green Card.
There were no toothbrushes or toothpicks, we had to chew thistles and gargle with broken glass at bedtime. In these days, son, men were men. And so were women, by George! But we still clenched our teeth and mated with them, just so you little ungrateful whippersnappers could be born and disrespect the life out of us.
The only green fuels were put in the engines of horses, and ho-boy! did the exhaust stink from back in the carriage! If you wanted to take your date for a ride, she needed to cover the stench by putting a handkerchief on her nose after dipping it in skunk oil. If she could AFFORD skunk oil. The mosquitoes were as big as dinosaurs and meaner than a tax inspector's mother-in-law.
We were so poor, the whole family had to share one shirt, while we slaved 29 hours a day in the silver mines to pay for having the other shirt patched. That's right, silver: even the filthy rich didn't have gold mines then. Africans were so poor, they all starved to death before they were born! Every other year, whe had to feed by eating the locusts after they devoured all our harvests of brocoli, eggplants and rutabaga.

12 comments:

Alex said...

Pascal,

Congrats, I knew your loquacious meanderings were worth something.

Alex

Anonymous said...

"Art site"? In my days, we didn't have Art sites. For art sites, we had to make our own graffiti on the cave walls. And then Mom would get angry at the mess and yell so loud she'd scare the 'raptors away.
Probably how our puny species survived...

Ah well, at least some tourists today appreciate our efforts. They pay to see my scribblings, can you believe it? Our old home was in a small town called Lascaux.

When it got too damp from the rising sea level, I moved to Carnac and took on outdoor sculpting. Did one statue for each of my girlfriends, lined up hundreds of them.
But Victor Issa I'm not. Clearly. YOU try using mammoth bone chisels and hour head as sole hammer...

Pascal [P-04referent] said...

Oh, and so much for my parents telling me all this blogging was a total waste of time, eh? :-)

Eolake Stobblehouse said...

There are several other very worthy commentators here, so if you have been a regular commentator for a while, and you are interested, email me and I'll send you a membership.
(And before anybody asks, yes that goes for the RAF also.)

Bert said...

Toutes mes félicitations, mon cher Pascal. Your talent deserves recognition!

"if you have been a regular commentator for a while, and you are interested, email me and I'll send you a membership."

Rhetorical question, I hope. Who wouldn't be? :-))

Alex said...

Erm, actually I had to think about it.

"very worthy commentators here" Not really me though is it.

"regular commentator" Ah, I fit that! :)

Anonymous said...

Does that go for me too??
(gives that cute 'pretty please' look only seen in cartoons)

Eolake Stobblehouse said...

Sure, just mail me
eolake
at
gmail.com

Pascal [P-04referent] said...

Merci, Bert, ma modestie souffre. :-)

Leviathud gives that cute 'pretty please' look only seen in cartoons

FORMERLY only seen in cartoons. :-)

Bert said...

"FORMERLY only seen in cartoons. :-)"

Who says Leviathud is not from Toontown?

Anonymous said...

Congrats, I knew your loquacious meanderings were worth something.

Pascal is very loquacious. He loves to be loquacious all right! At the drop of a hat he'll loquace like no one ever loquaced before!

Pascal [P-04referent] said...

"Who says Leviathud is not from Toontown?"
WHAT? Like Alex and moi? Well, smash me on the head with a safe and call me square!
Yo, homie, high four! Didn't recognize you without an ID photo avatar.
=8°)

Joeus Dickus,
Aut Pascal, aut nihil! *

* (That's latin.)

Say, have I told you about the time I was sent on a mission saving legionnaire Brian from Joe's ancestor, Biggus? "FLEE BLIAN!"