AOL loves you

New AOL phone menu, written by my friend Wonko

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Thank you for calling AOL. Please listen to the following options carefully before selecting the appropriate option; selecting the correct option for your query will help us to process your query in the most efficient manner.

If you have just bought your first computer from PC World, don't know what wires plug into what sockets, think a monitor was someone who gave out the free school milk and RAM is a male goat, or are currently sitting in the dark and would like to listen to calm, friendly and reassuringly voiced help desk team member reading a script; please press 1.

If you have been using a computer for less than a year, during which time you have sent and received twenty or fewer e-mails (mainly to your own work e-mail address) and looked at the BBC website every now and again, but was paying attention when the sales staff told you the specifications of your system and have kept all of the paperwork, and would like to hear a straight-talking, no-nonsense help desk team member reading from a script ; please press 2.

If you have owned a computer for more than a year, use the Internet and e-mail regularly, are often called upon to help less technically minded co-workers with MS Office applications, have more intelligence than wet sand, but have only taken the cover off the tower unit once to fit more RAM (and felt very brave and grown-up doing so), and would like to speak to a human being who actually knows a bit about computers; please press 3.

If you have bits of consumer electronics spread liberally across your office, can wire a three-pin plug blindfolded, can speak in binary, fondly remember programming in BBC BASIC, do actually know what you are talking about, and would like to mind-meld with an engineer of a similar level of geekiness; please press 4.