[thanks to Ian]
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a few moments ago......'
20 comments:
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks," instructed the doctor. "The time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs.!
"Why, that's amazing!", said the doctor. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded. "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No! From the fookin' skippin'!!"
A three legged dog walks into a bar and sidles up to the bar. He says, I'm a lookin' for the guy that shot my paw!!
LOL. Good one.
LOL. Good one.
Five year old kids might think so.
"ai nagase said...
Five year old kids might think so."
Gee, no sence of humor
Abou Al-Aabed is the folkloric Beirut dude, and the theme of many national jokes.
One day, Abou Al-Aabed was passing near the Jordan river, and he saw one of them Evangelic preacher types -they're everywhere these days- "baptizing" people. He would hold their head, plunge them in the water for three seconds, take them out and ask:
- Did you see Jesus Christ?
- Yes. I have!
- Halleluyah. Next!
Abou Al-Aabed got convinced by the man's charisma, and stood in line to get baptized. His turn came. His head was dipped in the water. When he emerged:
- Did you see Jesus Christ?
- To speak the truth, no, I haven't.
- ?!?
The surprised preacher dipped his head in the water again:
- Did you see Jesus Christ?
- In all honesty, no sir, I haven't.
The preacher started losing ground. The crowds were waiting for their turn, and this guy was slowing his gig down. He dipped him for the third time and insisted:
- Did you see Jesus Christ?
Abou Al-Aabed coughed a little, and said:
- Sorry, still nothing, buddy. I've looked and looked. Are you SURE this is the place where he drowned?
Gee, no sence of humor
Just the opposite. I like jokes that are funny, and ones that are at least slightly above the kindergarten level.
One more, I just couldn't help myself.....
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!
They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers..
To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here? '
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly..
'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo! Those are my emergency flashers!'
Tommy, have you got your parents' permission to post on here? Based on your comments, and the fact that you choose to be called Tommy, it's obvious you're not an adult.
"Anonymous said"
Thanks, I'll take that as a compliment. I guess they'll have to start checking my age again to buy beer.
Lucky for you they don't judge by mental age. You should be okay.
Beer and mental age?
Ooh, someone's been ordering from Jurgen Hopf in Schönbrunn, Bavaria.
(Google it)
Okay, Tommy, if this is going to turn into a macho contest of "mine is bigger and better" jokes... :-)
My sweet Granny finally got herself a television. Soccer caught her interest, so she started following games.
She didn't know the first thing about the rules, but nevertheless she enjoys the sport, the effort, the fit young men running around... and she's started figuring it out by herself.
The other day, she told me: "Still, I feel sorry for that player dressed in black, he plays all alone, and never gets a chance to touch the ball."
I had to explain to her about the referee...
On another note:
What's the difference between a singleton and a simpleton?
A singleton is a simple 1 or 0.
A simpleton is simply one big, fat zero.
"Themed" bumper stickers :
Love thy neighbor... but don't get caught.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Sex is my religion. Let us pray!
Legalize prostitution. Ugly people want to have sex, too!
Safe sex is in the palm of your hand.
Sex on TV is great ... until I fall off.
I gave up drinking, smoking and sex. Worst 15 minutes of my life.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
I'm not perfect, but parts of me are incredible.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because men fake foreplay.
In fact, women say that men can fake whole relationships! (I think that last one is a Sharon Stone quote.)
A couple of "Doctor" jokes:
A Homsi is walking down the road, rolling a huge barrel ahead of him. He meets a friend:
- Shlôn are you doing with that barrel?
- Going to the Doctor. Shennoh, I saw him two months ago, and he said to me like that, "come back after Ramadan, and bring me your urins."
- So, Mr Kaputnik, did you follow my prescription?
- I sure did not, Doc. If I had, I woud've broken my neck!
- What? How come?
- Because the damn wind blew it out the window.
- How's your diet, Mr Kaputnik? I recommended you eat a lot of organic fruits, and eat them with their skin.
- Well, Doc, usually it's fine. But I've met some trouble with watermelons, bananas and pineapples. And for the life of me, I just CAN'T do it with coconuts!
(P.S.: furthermore, in French, seashells are called "sea fruits"... :-)
I once did a house call for a sweet little old lady, and found her condition worrying. So I recommended three weeks of bed rest.
- Does this mean I can't walk down the stairs to make me some tea in the kitchen?
- Down the stairs? Madam, apart from going to the bathroom right here, I expressly forbid you from even walking out that door!
Three weeks later, I visited again, and was satisfied to find her much better.
- So, now can I walk out the door and go down the stairs again?
- Yes, I reckon you can.
- Ah, that great! Because to be honest, Doc, I was getting fed up with stepping outside the window and climbing down the rain pipe all the time.
There was a German, an Italian and a Homsi on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
The German said: 'Shoot me right in the head.'
(Boom, he was dead instantly.)
Then the Italian said: 'Just hang me.' (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Homsi said: 'Give me some of that AIDS stuff.'
They gave him the shot, and the Homsi fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Homsi said: 'Give me another one of those shots,' so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said: 'What is wrong with you?'
The hilarious Homsi replied: 'You guys are so stupid.....
I'm wearing a condom!'
Pascal..."I'm wearing a condom!"
Oh, I feel very humbled, but what the hell one more childish one...
A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 grest-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hold where the crematorium used to be.
As Anon is used to saying on my blog: "FART!"
LOL!
I'll follow and raise: dat cowpoke shore died an old fart!
How's dat fer a full house?
Or more like cleaning house...
But who needs cowboys when you have Abou Al-Aabed?
Known for being at least as manly as that prolific old-timer...
Abou Al-Aabed and his good buddy Abou Steif traveled to France. There, knowing about the Bois de Boulogne, they decided to go there for the hookers. But... a Lebanese is a Lebanese. So, trying to find the best (translate: cheapest) deal, they cleverly thought of paying only one hooker for both of them "at the same time", and didn't realize that the ones charging the least are transvestites. (Hey, it was dark!)
Abou Steif lifted "her" skirt from behind and immediately started his business. He didn't mind the slightly hairy thighs. (Remember: they're from Lebanon. ;-)
Abou Al-Aabed lifted the skirt from the front, and lo, he saw what could only belong to a man! He exclaimed:
"Hey, Abou Steif, buddy, could you back off a little?"
Abou Al-Aabed's son was becoming a man, so he started considering marriage.
He dated Souha, and liked her. So he told his father: "I've decided to marry Souha."
His father took him aside, and told him:
"Son, you can't marry Souha. She's actually your sister. But don't tell your Mom, she doesn't know."
Aw, man! No swiping Souha off her feet then...
So, young Aabed started dating Fadia. And liked her. So he told his father. But...
"Son, you can't marry Fadia. She's actually your sister. But don't tell your Mom, she doesn't know."
Young Aabed dated Mirna. Then Samira. Then Rita. Then Badiha. Then Mariam. Then the daughter of family friend Abou Steif. But...
The thing is, that last time, he was REALLY in love. Frustrated, he went and complained to his mother Oum Al-Aabed:
"Dad told me I couldn't marry her, because she's actually my sister..."
His mother took him aside, and whispered to him:
"Son, you can marry her. You're not actually her brother. But don't tell your Dad, he doesn't know."
Came wedding day. Oum Steif was a little embarrassed about her daughter because she found her skinny. (Translate: in spite of all her motherly care the girl weighed less than 100 kilos.) So, while dressing her in her wedding gown, she started stuffing the gown here and there with newspaper pages "for good measure". After a good while, she felt satisfied with the result and the wedding went on. What a nice wedding, the bride really looked splendid.
Came wedding night. Aabed took his new wife to their bridal room, and soon went looking eagerly inside her dress. But, instead of sweet, soft skin, he found newspaper. He removed it, went again... more newspaper! And again, and again...
In the middle of the night, the phone rang at the Steifs house:
"Oum Steif? Hi, this is your son-in-law. Tell me, at what page will I find your daughter's booty?"
"What's this you're reading?
- Italian Vogue.
- My, that's a lot of pages.
- Well, there's a lot of ads." -- (Bee Movie, the bathroom scene)
Abou Al-Aabed once told Abou Steif :
- I'm an unusually horny man. Every time I sneeze, I absolutely MUST have sex.
- Gee, that's an unusual condition. Are you taking something for it?
- Yes. Pepper.
Correction: "Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages."
Another joke in my latest comment on "Snail trail". It felt more relevant to post it there... (^_^)
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