It is an interesting thing how the things that are closest to us are the things which we observe least well. This applies in a billion ways, here's just one fun example.
My mother was originally Swedish, and was "imported" to Denmark by my dad when they were young and before they got any of us kids. One day in high school I had a friend home who said: "Where's your mom from?" I said "what do you mean?" She said: "well, her accent...?" I said: "come on, she doesn't have an accent."
Many years later it had been a while since I spoke to mom, and she called me one day, and suddenly I could hear her accent! It was not even all that subtle.
Last week I mentioned this to my older sister, and she said: "Mom had an accent?!?" She couldn't believe it.
7 comments:
Quite normal. Our observation and attention are selective. It is the inheritage of prehistoric times. While noticing that one's mother inside the tribe eventually has an accent was useless, it was vital to notice that a stranger's voice had one. We are hugely more receptive to new things, while we become blind to what we are accustomed to. Similarly, a familiar and continuous smell or sound soon becomes unnoticeable, until we are away from it for a while.
Our brains are genetically wired that way. Standard issue hardware. :-)
In a way we are all like frogs (and I don't mean French). Apparently frogs just stare at their environment, then specifically "focus" on changes - like a bug moving. We too loose sensitivity to that which we are continually exposed to and tend to notice mores changes, or what's new, in our environment.
Consider how if you stare at an image of a red heart for a minute or so it begins to become gray. Essentially, if you can stare at it long enough without shifting your eyes, it will disappear. Upon looking away you'll probably see a green heart - the image's opposite.
Aspects of this seem to hold true with everything we experience, even emotions. And that is the reason why I have a great distaste for anything that claims 'You'll be happy all the time' - Happy is an emotion like any other, in that such can only be endured for a limited time AND is only defined by its opposite - its contrast - its compliment. If not for shadows, light would not be perceived. Scientifically speaking, in a sense, even colors are merely a kind of shadow.
So I would think wedding vows should be more like "Do you promise to love, hate, ignore, take for granted, etc. etc." - for constantly loving someone would be like staring at a red heart.
Interesting wedding vows, Tom. You might sound a bit blasé to some if you *actually* pronounce them that way, but also definitely lucid. Few will stand to contradict you.
Especially in Vegas or Hollywood! :-D
Although, for my part, love doesn't seem to work that way with me. Perhaps because love is much more than a maintained sensation or perception. It is more like a state of mind. When you have a marital argument, you may be upset at the moment, and yet you know there is still love and you'll feel it again as soon as you cool off. Even after years, I never tire of saying "I love you". It is also a way of saying "you make me very happy, even after all this time has passed". And it's true.
Perhaps love to me is like being healthy : you get used to it, like the air you breathe, but you'll regularly remember that it's great to have it. Every time I have a small health problem, even a very tiring flu, I remember that it is a transient and benign thing, and that I'm very lucky compared to a great many people. So I moan at times, but I never complain. :-)
MY life has its problems, as much as the next guy. But I KNOW I am happy. Because I realize I have it good. Better than many envied and filthy rich celebrities.
Anyway, there is no real discussion, about love, because everybody has their own conception of it, depending both on their intrinsic philosophy and their past experiences. Some will tell you after 60 years of marriage that love is an everlasting blaze that barely calms down because your youthful energy wanes away. Others will assert that love is the biggest scam in the history of Mankind. And none will truly be wrong.
If you're used to reading this blog, you know I'm not just being P.C. to please you there. :-)
"for constantly loving someone would be like staring at a red heart."
I don't know whether this metaphor is beautifully poetic or just plain scary!
"and that I'm very lucky compared to a great many people."
I once said to Laurie: "My life is great. I wouldn't swap with, uh, Tom Cruise."
He said: "Funny, just the other day he said the same thing about you."
I wouldn't swap with Tom Cruise either. But I might consider incorporating certain aspects of his life to mine. Or, come to think of it, not so much Tom Cruise (the Scientology stuff is messy), but ... who's that guy dating Salma Hayek?
eolake and ttl, I always ask people if they'd trade places with Bill Gates (him being so RICH). When people respond with "yes" I get into explaining how I believe his situation isn't any better than ours and how money itself can be a double edged sword so to speak.
Pascal, good points. Concerning "about love, because everybody has their own conception of it" - so true - I was refering to emotionally charged rommantic love, or something a bit more narrow in its understanding. For I've seen too many marraiges fall apart too soon, some within a year - it makes me question what they were expecting...
But if we accept the wide spectrum of love, with all its varity within, then indeed it is not something that will burn out. At least it seems this way to me. (note my P.C. is not to write all my thoughts on this, for i don't want to exceed 3,000 pages ;)
As far being 'happy' I still hold that such is an emotion that is more defined and that attempts to sustain it are pretty useless. However, as I myself get older (currently mid 40's) it seems I am becoming happier. I attribute this to settling down. I don't get as mad, sad, OR glad as I use to. Instead I seem to be finding an inner peace (at least in comparsion to what things were like for me when I was younger). Such peace brings me much joy and consistantly.
"Acceptance" is a big part of this. Just as in health, as you pointed out -
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Tom said...
"I was refering to emotionally charged rommantic love"
Roger that. I see what you mean.
Inner peace IS an excellent path to finding happiness. It's tough to be happy while in turmoil. ;-)
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