"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades."
Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp."
From a September 2001 issue of the satirical mag The Onion. I can't believe I never heard of this one.
There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways.
ReplyDeleteSorry Eolake but they don't. Christanity follows the teaching of our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ, while the others mention just mortal men with philosophy far different than the True Saviour (Jesus Christ.)
I will stake my very own life on it that Jesus IS THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and the LIFE. No man comes to the FATHER but BY ME. (JESUS)
The Onion is hilarious. Here's one of my old favourites.
ReplyDeleteWe Must Remember To Cap Our Nation's Pens
Maybe humor will get people to take those ideas more seriously.
ReplyDeleteGreat.
ReplyDeleteThe link to the Onion piece isn't working. I think this is the URL you want:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28151
This one is nothing but the unmitigated truth. It's almost so blunt that it's not funny:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.theonion.com/content/node/34198
Thanks, Mike. I've updated the link. Damn, the one time I forget to check it.
ReplyDeleteHey the war industry's been keeping this article locked behind thick concrete walls!
ReplyDeleteOr:
This article could function so well as a guideline for the intelligent inhabitants of the planet.
We could throw away all the other books of "wisdom". (Well, I need to add: there's loads of wisdom in the bible, Koran and the like, but it's been constantly misinterpreted or the text of these books is taken too literally).
About wisdom in the Books:
ReplyDeleteI've read part of the Book of Proverbs, out of curiosity. GAWD, what incredibly verbose and preachy stuff! 98% of it would be enough to have me running and screaming if it were used to introduce me to "The" Religion. Guantanamo torture material!
There's one exception I found so far, though: the two separate verses that severely criticize nagging wives. Nagging in a couple, whichever spouse is doing it, is putting the love under the blade of the guillotine and pulling the string.
You want to know how much I hate nagging, bitterness, constant criticism? Well, let me tell you, it's... [POST WAS CROPPED BY SERVER FOR EXCEEDING 2 MEGABYTES IN SIZE] ...and that's all I have to say about this, really.
Well, I need to add: there's loads of wisdom in the bible.
ReplyDeleteSo very true. It's the one and only truly inspired by God himself.
You're learning my friend. Romans 10:9.
I've read part of the Book of Proverbs, out of curiosity. GAWD, what incredibly verbose and preachy stuff!
ReplyDeleteDo yourself a favor Doctor, read the whole book of proverbs before you trash it like you did.
You wouldn't judge an entire book by reading one paragraph would you?
I didn't think so. Rethink before you beat down the message.
I was going to agree with that last comment, but then I got bored and decided not to read all of it. It was certainly wrong, though ...
ReplyDeleteLOL. Good for you.
ReplyDelete"Part-Time Pascal II",
ReplyDeletePlease don't appropriate the names of others. Use your own name. I am sure you're proud of who you are, so use your name.
The Proverbs are officially by Solomon's hand [Proverbs 1:1], not God's direct Word. So normally they should be open to litterary critic.
ReplyDeleteI must confess, it's true that I didn't read all of it. After getting to Chapter 23 (that's around 75%), I felt dizzy and really had enough. I found the Proverbs boring to death because they state and rehash the obvious, preachy-preachy, as if folks with any common sense needed to see that stuff written. And folks with no common sense won't learn anything from them (or any other source) anyway.
People are free to find the Proverbs sublime if their religious vision is discerning enough to see poetry or inspiration there. Me, I'll pass, thank you. I'd rather go read a Bible in Tijuana.
That Onion article was great. I couldn't have written it better myself, even if I were not the most modestest person in the WWW (Whole Wide World). Which I am. (But I hate to brag about it.)
"Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain."
The islamic world was still very promising 100 years ago. Until a retrograde minority of fanatics were chosen by the CIA as the perfect weapon against the atheist ideology of Communism and encouraged to spread like wildfire on the whole forsaken planet. Not to mention the training and financing of "Agent Tim Osmin". Gee, THAT was smart...
I never tire of repeating it: the first victims of islamic fanatism are muslims themselves. They are denied the right to be moderate, to express it and to live it. And the right to ever evolve forward. Mark my words: Islam will only change from within. It is not just the only acceptable way, but also the only truly possible way.
This applies as well to all other religions whenever required. Samely, it's futile to try and impose Democracy to a part of the world. Democracy only works in the countries where it has spontaneously arisen after a necessary cultural maturation. If and when the people are ready and ripe for it, it will happen. Otherwise, it'll just be a mess under a pretty label written in hypocrisy.