Looking at these photos it would seem that in Cambodia and Thailand you just point your camera randomly outward from yourself, press the shutter release button, and a great photo results. Well, maybe you need to remove the lens cap first, and maybe there are other steps. But this kind of light and scenery sure helps.
Well, I guess now these countries are very intresting and safe to visit. People, climate, smiles, places - together all these things give us other sense of life.
Vietnam vet, I know it is hugely easier said than done, but I sincerely hope you can one day put those bad memories behind you and find inner peace. Time has passed, the world has changed, the people have grown old and been replaced.
Was is madness, and those who have lived it need to heal and move on.
After all, if France and Germany could manage to become such good friends after WW2, that means it is possible with enough effort and reciprocal good will.
Cambodia itself still has a long way to go before finally exorcising the demons of its recent past. Admittedly, here in Lebanon our demons seem more feisty than ever. My defense? Remain outside the political turmoil, a feather high enough above the beating waves. It may sound as tough as meditating on a flea-infested mattress with no scratching allowed, but it's actually rather simple once you've figured out the right attitude.
Appreciate your words Pascal but I have probably killed more people in Vietnam than you have saved in Lebanon. I see the ghosts every night. The bodies falling before me, the ones I was ordered to kill on sight. And my own government spat on me when I returned home, not as a hero but as a rejected soldier of failure.
I fully agree with Gen. That's the whole intention of "army spirit": turning decent humans into obedient, fine-tuned combat instruments.
You're still alive and perhaps even unscathed, bodily-wise. But your soul is a victim just like those who fell against you. Twice a victim, in fact, because the society you tried to defend sees in you the living memory and reminder of its sins past, and hates you for that. You're the upsetting truth they refuse to remember about themselves. The harshest judgements always come from the guilty ones.
You were in Hell, following orders, trying to stay alive and do your theoretical duty. So today, your task is to learn to forgive yourself. Rejecting life can't change what's happened or bring back the dead. Learn from the Past, but honour the Present by living anew. Bringing some life in the world is a form of atonement.
God will not only judge your actions, but your intentions and the liberty of choice you had. I sincerely believe, and based on religion, that remorse is the path to redemption. Looks to me like you've remorsed enough on the destruction, and should try to construct some things. You're even allowed to find happiness in doing so.
You cannot change what you did. But you have total control over what you want to do now. These ghosts you see? They're not really a punishment: they're the sign of your salvation. The proof that you care, that you have a conscience. That given the choice, you wouldn't have done it and wouldn't do it again. Think about it: the intention to kill was in the orders given to you. You WERE a living instrument.
And by understanding all of that, you'll become more than an instrument. You'll become once more a free and responsible man.
Remember that world-famous photo of a naked running vietnamese girl burned by napalm? She eventually met, decades later, with the american pilot that had dropped the bombs in that mission. She needed to meet him. Why? Because she wanted to tell him that in her heart, she had forgiven him. I saw the scene myself on TV. So think about it. I believe your ghosts also know the truth of your heart. Don't believe everything you see in cheap horror movies, it's nothing like real life.
Which you deserve. A real life.
I hope that helped. You can do it. One day, you'll finally reach that understanding, and feel that it was all so simple all along.
We are defined, not so much by our actions, but by our choices. When we have some. In that Vietnam mess, you only had the vague hope of choosing the least bad of very bad choices. There were only a few shades of grey.
In Europe, the hypocrisy that met the vets upon their return is considered a huge, ongoing scandal of American society. So try to stop hating yourself. What you did is part of you, but it's not the part that you think it is. And what you can still do is also a part of you. A very important part. Make it happen. Just live, at last. And follow your heart, freely.
Looking at these photos it would seem that in Cambodia and Thailand you just point your camera randomly outward from yourself, press the shutter release button, and a great photo results. Well, maybe you need to remove the lens cap first, and maybe there are other steps. But this kind of light and scenery sure helps.
ReplyDeleteAfter winter in my country to get in paradise - everything seems wonderful there.
ReplyDeleteThe pictures from Cambodia and Thailand are crystal-clear and awesome.
ReplyDeleteBad memories of murder and mayhem on this side of the earth.
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess now these countries are very intresting and safe to visit. People, climate, smiles, places - together all these things give us other sense of life.
ReplyDeleteVietnam vet,
ReplyDeleteI know it is hugely easier said than done, but I sincerely hope you can one day put those bad memories behind you and find inner peace. Time has passed, the world has changed, the people have grown old and been replaced.
Was is madness, and those who have lived it need to heal and move on.
After all, if France and Germany could manage to become such good friends after WW2, that means it is possible with enough effort and reciprocal good will.
Cambodia itself still has a long way to go before finally exorcising the demons of its recent past.
Admittedly, here in Lebanon our demons seem more feisty than ever. My defense? Remain outside the political turmoil, a feather high enough above the beating waves. It may sound as tough as meditating on a flea-infested mattress with no scratching allowed, but it's actually rather simple once you've figured out the right attitude.
Good luck on your life path.
I indulge in the warm colours and the exotic scenery shown in the third picture. Beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI indulge in the warm colours and the exotic scenery shown in the fourth picture.
ReplyDeleteOf course. Sorry for the mistake.
Good luck on your life path.
ReplyDeleteAppreciate your words Pascal but I have probably killed more people in Vietnam than you have saved in Lebanon.
I see the ghosts every night. The bodies falling before me, the ones I was ordered to kill on sight.
And my own government spat on me when I returned home, not as a hero but as a rejected soldier of failure.
Dear VV,
ReplyDeleteyou were/are not a killer, you were just an instrument.
I fully agree with Gen. That's the whole intention of "army spirit": turning decent humans into obedient, fine-tuned combat instruments.
ReplyDeleteYou're still alive and perhaps even unscathed, bodily-wise. But your soul is a victim just like those who fell against you.
Twice a victim, in fact, because the society you tried to defend sees in you the living memory and reminder of its sins past, and hates you for that. You're the upsetting truth they refuse to remember about themselves. The harshest judgements always come from the guilty ones.
You were in Hell, following orders, trying to stay alive and do your theoretical duty. So today, your task is to learn to forgive yourself. Rejecting life can't change what's happened or bring back the dead. Learn from the Past, but honour the Present by living anew. Bringing some life in the world is a form of atonement.
God will not only judge your actions, but your intentions and the liberty of choice you had. I sincerely believe, and based on religion, that remorse is the path to redemption. Looks to me like you've remorsed enough on the destruction, and should try to construct some things. You're even allowed to find happiness in doing so.
You cannot change what you did. But you have total control over what you want to do now. These ghosts you see? They're not really a punishment: they're the sign of your salvation. The proof that you care, that you have a conscience. That given the choice, you wouldn't have done it and wouldn't do it again. Think about it: the intention to kill was in the orders given to you. You WERE a living instrument.
And by understanding all of that, you'll become more than an instrument. You'll become once more a free and responsible man.
Remember that world-famous photo of a naked running vietnamese girl burned by napalm? She eventually met, decades later, with the american pilot that had dropped the bombs in that mission. She needed to meet him. Why? Because she wanted to tell him that in her heart, she had forgiven him. I saw the scene myself on TV.
So think about it. I believe your ghosts also know the truth of your heart. Don't believe everything you see in cheap horror movies, it's nothing like real life.
Which you deserve. A real life.
I hope that helped. You can do it. One day, you'll finally reach that understanding, and feel that it was all so simple all along.
We are defined, not so much by our actions, but by our choices. When we have some. In that Vietnam mess, you only had the vague hope of choosing the least bad of very bad choices. There were only a few shades of grey.
In Europe, the hypocrisy that met the vets upon their return is considered a huge, ongoing scandal of American society. So try to stop hating yourself. What you did is part of you, but it's not the part that you think it is. And what you can still do is also a part of you. A very important part. Make it happen.
Just live, at last. And follow your heart, freely.
You used fine comforting words, Pascal.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gen. I try.
ReplyDelete